Apparently, we have some time-killing to do. The Caps’ date with the dearly beloved Rangers is delayed until Thursday night, after an expected Tuesday or Wednesday start. The word on the street is that due to the Knicks actually being good and Taylor Swift concerts at the Verizon Center, the scheduling shook out in a way that made Game 1 on Tuesday. Whatever, it’s not like I’m a paranoid wreck or anything…
While we’re all gathered here today, let us marinate in this Rangers stink for a moment. We all know what’s about to go down the next couple weeks, as we all know the recent history between these two teams. We need to be prepared. A game-day face isn’t something that you can throw on like a layer of makeup on the morning of the game. A game-day face is something that is earned by inhaling the stink. You have to breathe in the (sports) hate and let it wrinkle your nose and brow. You have to do this enough where your face becomes molded into that of a poker player smelling a fart. It’s for your own protection, the impending rage and fear will glance off your face easier during the games.
So, for your daily dose of Rangers stink, let’s rank the top five annoyances that currently emanate from that franchise. Today is number five:
#5 Brian Boyle
Brian Boyle is a good dude, he’s just a really annoying hockey player. He’s a really big dude, naturally giving him a goofy face, and he quadruples the goofiness with his facial hair. In last year’s playoffs, Brian tried to get under Ottawa’s Erik Karlsson’s skin. Doing so earned him a beating, one which he took like a total man. Or psycho. Brian knew Matt Carkner was demanding that he pay for his crimes, and then he let him pound away at his face until others intervened. Interesting tactic, and one that got Carkner a one game suspension. I don’t know if this impresses or worries me, but either way Boyle receives some brownie points and only comes in as the fifth most annoying Ranger. This ranking isn’t just about his goofy looks and startling decision making though, Boyle always seems to barge in and make something good happen for his team at the absolute worst time for the Caps. I don’t have any direct evidence for this because I’ve blocked every incident like this out of my memory, and I don’t intend on using YouTube’s powers for evil. Just take my word for it or watch him during hockey games, the results are the same. He certainly isn’t a graceful hockey player, but he wins timely face-offs, effectively throws his weight around the glass, and is a huge presence in front of the net. All of this is really annoying behavior from Mr. Boyle.
Boyle has been dealing with a leg injury for a couple weeks, and his status for the start of the upcoming series has not been revealed yet. New York would certainly love to have him in the lineup because his game is exactly what’s necessary in the playoffs, and Boyle has experience doing it. Hey Brian, you should probably just shut it down for the season. I’m really worried about your health, everything else comes second.